Bit by bit, I have come to accept that you do not feel the same way as I do towards you.
Though it really hurts bad as I thought that I had a chance with you, I’m coming to accept the fact as it is.
Though it really sucks to be me at this point of time again,
Life, goes on
Think I screwed up monumentally on the biggest scale.
Oh well…
Time to break out the repair kit and try to salvage as much as I can…
Argh, I’m just so pissed with myself sometimes…
Well, if there’s something I really hate or detest more than anything else, it’s being the 2nd Fiddle.
This time, I won’t walk away though, I’ve finally found something worth fighting for.
So please wish me luck. I’ve never prayed much before, but I find myself praying more and more these few weeks, praying for a good outcome and that my hope is not one that is false.
July 2013, the ending of 28 and the beginning of 29 has had many changes occur to me.
Changes for the better, changes for the worse, changes that were happy, changes that were sad.
Changes are the only constant, and there have been too many changes around recently
Title translates roughly to “Musing to myself”
Translation taken from: http://utau-inu.com/?p=34
Tell me, what is kindness to you? I’ve figured it out a little.
I’m pretty sure that if I try to give it to you, it’ll shatter into pieces.
You know, even if I live for you, I end up doing so for my own sake
It’s true. When I want to smile, it’s just me wanting to make you smile. Sorry ’bout that.
I just want people to think well of me, It’s just me motivating myself.
It’s not kindness. I wish it was, but I don’t know how to make it so.
You know, it’s not in my heart. All that’s there is there for my sake.
I wanna give something that isn’t to you, but it never goes farther than wanting to.
Tell me, what is kindness to you? I’ve gotten to understand it a bit better than before.
I’m sure it’s something you gave me without realizing it. I bet you don’t remember.
Everyone just wants people to think well of them, they’re just trying to sell you on them
It’s not kindness. I wish it was. I’m the worst.
I think I’ve gone crazy. No, no, I’m fine.
My wish is to not wish. And that I could be there for you, without ever realizing it
Ah, yeah, it goes without saying, I’ve probably overthought things
Thank you. Thanks to your smile, I could smile myself.
So, I know what kindness is. It’s something I could receive, even if I couldn’t give it.
I’m sure it exists on the outside of the heart between two people.
I’m just musing to myself.
I just want you to think well of me. It’s just me motivating myself.
It’s not kindness. It can never be. I don’t want it to be.
Because that’s something that can’t be had on one’s own
because it exists between two people.
it bleongs to neither of them. It has no name. That’s all I want to find.
Tell me, what is kindness to you? Don’t give it another thought.
The truth is, it’s something we made, without ever having realized it
something we found together.
it really looks like it’s the end…
Though I’m not really sure whether this is a certain demise, but circumstances and events happening up to today have been showing signs that there’s not much point in continuing further.
Maybe it’s time to let go, take a step back and re-look at the bigger picture. Afterall, too much focus results in tunnel-vision. You lose track of everything else, just in order to achieve it. Is it worth it at all?
Oh no, I’m not giving up, I’ll just continue on, looking to find the right way to success. Life still goes on, so make the best of it.
and now, I’ve probably found a few ways that won’t work…
Translated lyrics from: http://utau-inu.com/centj/translations/translations.htm
Why is it, that when I can’t seem to get to sleep
no matter how long I wait,
I end up listening to a song I should be sick of hearing by now.
What am I afraid of? What do I need?
Even if I think it over til the sparrows sing,
come morning, I don’t understand a thing.
That was a heavy chain called loneliness.
That I fastened good round myself, of my own will
one day I’ll discover them and wonder when it was I fastened them
when I see the burning sky, it makes me want to hear your voice
and suddenly I realized.
I’ve done such a good job of supressing
my sobbing, embarassed at the thought
of wanting to be touched by others,
I dared call it pride. Aa
When I demand my throat speak how I truly feel,
My voice quivered as well, I couldn’t really hear it.
I politely declined the hand offered to me
I’ve sung like a sparrow without missing a beat but
when I realized
What am I!? Wanting to be touched by you.
Just now I realized
I forgot to sing about what’s really important.
I pretended to want loneliness
I was well aware of the warmth of your hand.
I was just afraid that if you touched me with those hands,
I’d someday have to leave you.
Is it alright, if I sing that I want to be touched by others?
stealing from one another, lying to each other
killing one another over the littlest things,
when we try to touch, we pull apart, we get scared,
yet, still
I like people who want to be touched by others
flush the sobbing away,
clinging and hurting again and again
I want to be touched by you, call my name!
if there was no one else, and I was all alone
singing this song,
my life
wouldn’t serve any purpose at all.
none at all.
Translated lyrics from: http://utau-inu.com/centj/translations/translations.htm
I’m really glad winter is so cold
because it gives a simple reason
to invite your chilly left hand into my right pocket.
You pout, ‘I wish it’d snow’
it doesn’t go your way,
don’t kick up the fallen leaves, we can still roll around in ’em
why do you look like you’re having so much fun,
eventhough you’re angry?
we mark the still pure untouched carpet of snow,
with lines of parallel footprints
even if nothing ever comes of this impossible dream
smiles spill over this snowless road.
it takes a special technique for us to walk together
your stride is so small
I take in the scenery for as long as I can,
the scenery I see looking back at you.
we make an orchestra of footsteps
for the curtain in the sky, still dry
see, before this impossible dream comes true
you’ll smile for me I know that.
(SNOW SMILE)
we mark the still pure untouched carpet of snow,
with lines of parallel footprints
even if nothing ever comes of this impossible dream
smiles spill over this snowless road.
I’m so glad we could meet
that same season has come around again
the memory I keep in my right hand pocket,
I’ll just keep it in there and walk on
the road without you.
Life, as I know it 